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That feeling of dread is back!

Started by DLH, 12/25/2009 06:59AM
Posted 12/25/2009 06:59AM Opening Post
I have shared with a few astromarter's of the reason that I left the forum's for a while. Actually almost 2 year's. On father's day 2007, my 2 son's, my wife and I had plan's for the day to celebrate good ol' dad. That never happened, instead my wife was gone from noon till 11:30 pm. My son's and I tried all day to get in touch with her and just simply couldn't. Needless to say we didn't have our big day.
The next day I called her and was trying to plan something for during the week and I could schedule off from work. She shot me down with a big -I don't love you anymore! We were at this time going into our 30th year of marriage. There was no talking to her, she wouldn't hear me, she was stone. It turned out that she had found someone else.OUCH! I didn't think anyone could hurt that bad. There's lot's of in between stuff but I wont air it out here and bore you with it. She would deny having someone else right on up, even after the divorce. My sons' friend's would even see her out with this guy while I was at work.
What I'm leading to is that I turned to alcohol very heavily. My crutch that understood! After the divorce I started hitting the bar's to kill the pain of such a betrayal. I actually didn't hurt as bad if I wasn't alone when I drank. But I still could'nt forget. Mind you, I had never even been in a bar till this happened and I was 48 year's old. I never had the desire to sit and listen to a bunch of drunk's and I alway's spent my time at home, family outing's, at work, or in my yard stargazing with a yard FULL of kid's. I loved my life, nobody had a better one I felt.
One night coming out of a bar I was pulled over and taken to jail for the night and lost my license for just 30 day's because the judge said he kind of understood and in his word's" Mister Hensley, your record's show nothing on you, no speeding ticket's, traffic violations of any kind. You haven't even spit on the sidewalk! So I did without my license and was glad to finally get them back.
I had almost completely stopped drinking because I was shown the path I was taking until a week before Thanksgiving. My brother had borrowed my pick-up and had left a huge bottle of tequila in the back floorboard. I was depressed about losing my old way of life with my family and all the thing's we would do during the holiday's. My favorite was putting up our Christmas tree's in the house and all the outside decor with everybody tripping over each other, my sons' friend's would be there and the goodies we would have along with the music.
So I gave myself the excuse to not hurt again and drank the biggest portion of what looked like about a half gallon of tequila and chased it with a couple of beer's. The first thing I do is get on the road and was pulled over for speeding, the cop smelled the alcohol and saw a beer in the cup holder. I recieved 7 day's in jail and lost my license for a year. It broke my 2 boy's heart's, I have never been so ashamed of anything in my life. The law use to be that you take a DUI class for three week-end's and I was ready to take the class in October but was told that Ky. law now require's 26 week's of classes, one and a half hour a week. I have 11 week's done now.
Seeing all the happy families and the decoration's this year is about to do me in. I have never lied to my son's and I also promised God that I would never drink again. Because with me, it is all or nothing. Sitting here in the wee hour's of Christmas morning all alone and raining has me thinking that there is no such thing as coincidense. I think that if I had my license I may have gotten something to drink and would have tried to justify it.
Typing this long boring letter has gotten me over wanting to drink, it reminded me of my promises and got my head back on straight. I don't think just typing the letter completely helped, it was the fact that I would be sharing something with someone other than a relative or accuaintance friend.
I can go to bed now victorious in getting over these holiday's again. My son's will be up to see me for a big dinner that I'm preparing. By the way, I did all the cooking thru my entire marriage and my boy's can't wait to get some real food for a change(their own word's). Their favorite is my dumpling's...hahaaa!!!
I'm sorry for such a long letter, so if you get bored reading just part of it just delete it. It helped me to look my situation the eye and tell it to kiss my azz!!!!
Merry Christmas and let your families know how lucky you feel!
To all a good-night,
Posted 12/25/2009 05:28PM #1
I believe that Life presents us with the same lessons over and over until we learn them. Sometimes, I learn what I need to know from the first lesson, other times I am more stubborn and have to suffer through it again. Sometimes I can learn what I need to, by quiet relection. Other times I need to share my experiences and hear what others have to offer.

I also believe God will never give us anything we are not prepared to deal with, be it pain or prosperity. We are only as strong as our faith.

Know that you are NEVER alone.

Posted 12/25/2009 05:37PM #2
Hi Darrell,
Your experiences are not uncommon. Many of us have had something similar happen. I know it does not make it better, but do understand that many of us do see what is happening and understand your plight.
But, remember that you just have to go for one day at a time and each day is a new day filled with the opportunity for change and good things can happen on any day.
Wake up and smile and then go out and just try to see something positive in each new day.
Peace brother, it will pass and life will improve with time.

[SIZE="Large"][/SIZE][COLOR="Blue"][/COLOR] Floyd Blue grin
Amateur Imager
Posted 12/28/2009 05:51AM #3
Darrell, let me tell you a story...a true story from the other side. From those that love you.

19 years ago I left home, at age 15. The primary reason was alcohol abuse and the results (to myself) of said abuse from a close family member. Another family member graciously took me into his home, sacrificing the harmony in his home and many other things for my well being, I will never be able to thank him fully for all he has done for me (he is a member on Amart btw!).
During that time, an older gentleman took me under his wing. His name was Billy Boyd. Billy owned 2 full service gas stations, the kind where they pump your gas, clean your windshield and check your tires and oil. Billy hired me when I was 15 to turn wrenches for a couple hours after school and pump gas after that, till 11pm. At the time I had enrolled in a school that offered High School Vocational training in automotive technology. Billy taught me a lot, about cars, about life, about growing up and being self sufficient.
2 months past my 18th birthday, Billy approached me and told me that the head tech had been diagnosed with liver failure. I was not entirely surprised as the daily ritual at the shop at 5pm was a couple of 12 packs and listening to Paul Harvy on the radio. Jokes, guy talk...I felt pretty good to be able to mingle with these mature folks at such a young age.
Billy handed me the keys to the shop and said, " You can handle this, I want you to run it". 18 years old and a shop lead...damn... pretty exciting for an up and coming grease monkey.
I did well, the customers liked me, I put in a lot of hours, but it paid off. I got to work on some pretty high end machines, we sponsored a circle track race car. We sponsored a drag racing motorcycle. Lots of tire smoke, burning fuel, street races.....bars, drinking, forgetting how I got home...
Then one day, Billy comes into the shop...drunk. I tried to be casual, and he tells me his wife left him for someone else. I can tell he is hurt, but at 22 years old, it was hard for me to grasp the gravity and impact to a man that has been married for over 20 years, has 3 great kids and a seemingly good life.
Things got worse, he broke his ankle climbing a ladder getting supplies for the shop, because he was drunk.

We switched cars one day, he had an El Camino Conquistador that he drove daily, me a Subaru GL-10. We switched cars so I could pick up a motor for an engine swap. Then I get a call form the Norwich Connecticut Police to pick up my car. Billy was pulled over, and was cited for drunken driving. Upon picking up my car, there was a 2 liter bottle of coke in the passenger seat...only it wasn't entirely Coke. About 1/2 Coke 1/2 Vodka.

As time went on he continued to remove himself from the daily rituals of running the service stations. It seemed like he gave the bottle We even drank together a couple of times. One time Billy's son remarked that the only reason I was still alive was that I was driving a 4WD Subaru (down a twisty snow covered back road).

It got progressively worse (and heartbreaking) from there. The shakes, 5 DWIs, incoherency even when sober....

Billy Boyd has passed away, due to alcohol abuse. He was a good man, and left behind quite a few heartbroken folks.

There are likely many folks around you who love you, think about them next time you want to drink yourself to a stupor.

Clear skies, my thoughts are with you ...

It is what it is...
Posted 01/08/2010 11:31PM #4
Hahaa,,,,You're right David! I've had some offer's too, thought I'd play the field a't know what they see in me, maybe just companionship but I plan on having a little fun for a while. Still feel's like I'm going out on my wife but I know I'm not. I'm getting there tho bro.