To be a republican you need to believe

To be a republican you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

Pete Brayton said:

To be a republican you need to believe....

Like the swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano...

J

It's really hard to match Pete's post. But, the fairness doctrine demands I take a shot.

To be a Democrat you need to believe:

1. God doesn't exist, Jesus was just an ordinary man, but Allah and his prophet must be respected and Buddhism is just beautiful.

2. Saddam was a bad guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a bad guy when
Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion, but he really wasn't a bad alternative for Iraq.

3. Trade with Cuba is right because Fidel is the cutest dictator around and Che Guevera shirts look cool, but trade with China and Vietnam are bad because union members vote.

4. The United States should listen to the United Nations, abide by all UN mandates, and respect all resolutions except for those establishing Israel and those against Iraq.

5. A woman's life is important and she can be trusted to end the life of her unborn baby, but the state can't be trusted to end the life of a known serial killer who killed twenty women.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to condemn them as terrorists, rapists, and murderers.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex and sometimes adolescents look pretty hot.

8. A good way to fight a war is to leave our allies, cut their military aid funding, and then let them handle our drycleaning once they manage to escape.

9. Providing health care to all Americans is desperately needed because swarms of illegal visitors from the south are bankrupting our hospitals.

10. The theory of global warming is a fact. Get used to it. Buy carbon credits from Al Gore or buy a much smaller car.

11. Being factually wrong is a lie. It's not possible to be morally wrong because anything goes--unless you are a Republican.

12. Government should extend into every aspect of one's finances, health, and education, unless your activities are a matter of national security. In that case, your privacy must be respected.

13. Cattle trades? Really, I was concerned about the lack of footprints leading to Vince Foster's body.

14. It's wrong to be part of a war where 50,000 people get killed per year--unless the people were Kurds in a remote village or Shiites along the Iranian border.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" with every intern ever born or who will turn 18 soon.

16. What Bin Laden did in the 1990's was none of Clinton's concern.

17. We'll rename Christmas and Easter, but leave Ramadan alone.

18. Republicans are murderous warmongers, but Islam is a peaceful religion.

19. Drugs should be legalized because they are a personal choice, but tobacco should be outlawed.

20. There is a Jena in every state. Ayuh, that includes Bar Harbor thayuh Diyah . . .

21. A foot straying outside a bathroom stall is a far bigger scandal than driving car off a bridge and leaving a campaign aide for dead.